Upset friend...now I am upset

[Yarnlover]

Hello, this is my first post.

I recently started caring part time for the 2 year old daughter of a friend (not a close friend) of mine. My 20 month daughter scratched her this week when the girl repeatedly ripped a toy from her hand. I saw one scratch on the girls neck and told the mom about it.

Today the mom brought the daughter over to play and pulled me aside and said "I want to show you something", turns out there was also a small scratch on her daughters arm. She said her husband was really mad and that they didn't want their girl getting hurt. She also said she knew the girl had a bad day because she cried when the mom came to pick her up. I told the mom how sorry I was that I missed the arm scratch and that while I am always in the room with the kids, sometimes things can happen before I have a chance to intervene. Toddlers are prone to this type of thing and that while I try my best I can't guarantee the daughter will never come home with a bump or a scratch, either from another child or a trip or whatever. I told her nicely that if that made her to uneasy that she may want to reconsider having her daughter in care ( she's a stay at home mom, and has her daughter in care to give her some free time). Here's the kicker: she responded by saying she really wants to keep her daughter in my care, she loves my program etc... But that she thinks my daughter is "violent" and that as long as I try to watch the girls closely it will be ok.

I am seething mad right now, I can't believe a friend would say something negative about my daughter. Her daughter pushes and grabs and smacks just as much as the next kid, and in actuality the girls play really well together. My daughter is in no way violent, she is A sweet and loving little girl and loves having this girl come over, but when someone rips a toy from her hand she does react, she's a normal toddler!I work with all the children on sharing, appropriate actions/turn taking etc. I also found the comment that "as long as I watch the girls...." to be so condescending. I feel horrible her daughter was hurt, but I am really really off put by these comments. I have been upset all evening.

I guess I am venting here because I want to know, do you think I handled this ok it terms of what I said to the mom? Would you be upset by these comments, or should I be more understanding that she was just upset that her daughter got scratched? I don't want to be terrified every day that this girl is going to get a bump or a bruise, should I think about terminating care, or am I overreacting?

Thanks for any input.

[Crayola kiddies]

That's a lesson hard learned but you should try to stay away from friends, family, neighbors, and so on it generally doesn't end well. Unless you truly need the income this child provides I would give notice and advertise for the spot. It is impossible to guarantee that children will never get hurt even if you are right there cause kids lash out especially if they don't have verbal skills yet. They push, hit, bite, kick, scratch, pinch, throw toys at, whatever and there's no way you can always intervene before it happens. I think this parent is blowing things out if proportion and perhaps she is trying to upset you so that you will end the arrangement. Maybe it isn't working out so well for them and they think thus is the best way to go about it. Maybe they are the type of parents who try to keep their child in a bubble. Perhaps have an honest conversation with her and let her know that while you enjoy looking after her child you think that this might not be the best situation for your friendship and think she should look for care somewhere else but that you could still have play dates with the children ( space permitting). Good luck

[Inspired by Reggio]

Ummm - I think you handled it fine!

Your child is not 'violent' she is a toddler whose only skills at this point are fight or flight response she was born with ... and while it is not SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE to behave in the manner it is developmentally normal for this age - and until we give them the skills and resources to move beyond those developmental limitations 'incidents' of mistakes are going to happen where they might act like a little caveman they are innately wired to be .... ALL children are innately wired with either a flight or fight response or combination of both depending on circumstances ... it is no more their fault than being born with blonde hair or green eyes ;)


So until they develop the language and conflict resolution skills needed to deal with things like someone snatching their toy things like this will happen on occasion - it is a part of childhood and ideally it is a short lived part that they quickly learn 'better' choices however we also must accept as caregivers that some kids learn faster than others.

Applying such negative words to children is over reaction IMO .... how would that client/friend feel if you referred to their child as a THIEF cause in reality that too is an adjective you could use to describe their taking something that is not theirs ... would that not be an overreaction too?

Our role as caring adults is to help NURTURE children to make better choices with each other and help them learn the socially acceptable strategies for dealing with anger, frustration and other 'negative' emotions that we ALL HAVE AS HUMANS!

I agree that if they are going to make a mountain out of a SCRATCH than group care might not be for them ... because honestly I have had kids scratch THEMSELVES in care!

I have empathy for you I worked in centre care where irate parents whose child was 'bitten' demanded that we EXPEL the child from care if their parents were not going to 'fix' their kid and when we could not do that than they wanted us to put a muzzle on the offending child to ensure they never did it again ... the child was 15 months old and teething ... some people just do not have a firm or realistic grasp of childhood development :( Ironically when THEIR kid hit that stage 3 months late and was biting THEM at home and drawing blood cause he latched on like a dog and would not let go suddenly they were much more 'understanding' of biting and how it was not always the 'lack of discipline' in the home that caused it :rolleyes:

[Dayhome Mamma]

I have learnt the hard way as well to never ever mix business with friends, at least not for very long. (I had taken in one of my friends daughter for 2 months at the last minute as she had landed a job before her daycare start, and that was great, but i let her know early on when she was debating about keeping her daughter here with me instead of the daycare that I really value our friendship and in this business something always comes up so I'd rather not do a longer term) and we are so both glad we did that!
Glad this ones not a super close friend to you. No matter how great they are or how great it seems, somethings always going to come up. I agree with Crayola Kiddies on this one. Mom is totally blowing things out of proportion. Of Course your child is going to get hurt here and there. That's what happens to kids. Especially in group care. I don't see this one ending very good. Would totally prepare to fill the spot and find a replacement and let them go. Especially cause she is on Matt leave, so not a big deal for her. If she thinks she can do a better job then let her do it. She's trying to grow a bubble wrap kid which is just impossible to maintain and achieve.

[apples and bananas]

I'm not sure it would be any different if it wasn't a "friend" . I think we get very defensive when it comes to our children. I wouldn't terminate just yet, but I would let her know, maybe in an email or letter, that this is normal behaviour. You do the best you can to supervise the children, but part of daycare is learning to play independantly and problem solve. If she's not comfortable with the way you've been watching or continue to watch the kids then maybe she should look at another solution. I've had children go home with scratches that aren't even violence related. They fell, tripped, was playing nicely and someones long fingernails got in the way ect.

I think the fact that she's a stay at home mom and this is her first child speaks volumes! She might be over protective and nervous about someone else careing for her child. Maybe you should suggest that you speak with the husband, since he was the one upset and maybe the entire reason for the conversation.

You handled it just as I would have.

[Yarnlover]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I was so angry yesterday and I feel better just having "talked it out" with you. I am new to the daycare business and have been lurking on these forums for a few months. What a wonderfully supportive and informative group you all are. I am so happy I have found you!

Part of the reason I was so upset is that I have been putting so much effort into my program in terms of activities, art projects, education at circle time etc. I felt let down that my friend had such a negative attitude when I have been working so hard.

I know business and friendship is not a good idea. My friend was really in need though and I love her little girl (my daughter loves her too), so I took her against my better judgement. I don't need to take her on for my income, in fact her two days a week take away from a full time spot I could fill. If I experience another reaction like yesterday I think I will tell the mom that I can't provide the type of care she is looking for. I do feel sad for the little girl though, she definitely is a "bubble wrap" kid and doesn't get any other opportunity to play with other children. I guess we will see how it goes, but I will not tolerate negative comments about my child from a friend; I had never experienced this before and holy momma bear did it make me mad!

[playfelt]

It can be so annoying for sure when parents pick up on what in our opinion is a minor issue and turn it into something major. I like to find articles online that talk about some of the issues like biting, fighting, toileting, feeding, milestones, etc. and give those to parents. It helps them to see what is "normal" and hopefully relax a bit.

It is also important to separate your feelings about the parts of your program. She didn't comment on the meals you served, the crafts you do or the program you offer so even if you do do a wonderful job of those things remember that there are other parts of the day that are just as important. She was commenting on what happens during freeplay and in this case her child got hurt. For the next little while till the family settles down or the child gets an injury at home and they see that injuries happen even with supervision it might be an idea to make sure that you are not using freeplay time to get other parts of the program ready and instead being ready to step into the play sooner before it comes to blows for the girls. In fairness to your daughter it will mean stopping the other child from being the bully and taking toys away. If the girl isn't a bully your child will have no reason to accidentally injure her while protecting her rights and problem solved - at least for now. Sounds like you are going to have to teach social skills, how to be a friend, sharing, give and take, etc. to this little girl because she isn't getting it from other sources. Sad for her.