Still Not Adjusted After 4 Months

[935]

I am looking for opinions, ideas, suggestions, etc. on my situation. Please bear with me as this could get lengthy.

One of my DCG’s is currently 25 months old, & right from the very beginning I had a feeling that she would have a hard time transitioning. I do have a trial period after they first begin at my daycare. I had discussed some things with mom that I thought would really help her transition well (for her sake, because she was having a really hard time with the new changes). Mom wasn’t really on board & I could sense a lot of reluctance on her part & she’d often dismiss my suggestions as “well she’s just a baby”. When nearing the end of the trial period I had notified mom that it just wasn’t working out & they will have to find other arrangements. Suddenly, mom is on board & asking if I could keep her if she’s willing to work on things. I of course said yes. For the first month afterwards she was putting in some effort that I could notice. But now, she has reverted back & DCG is still not adjusted & having a difficult time on a daily basis.

The difference between home & daycare couldn’t be anymore opposite than it is. They live at grandmas house where grandma makes the rules & I can tell mom doesn’t get much say. She is not required to share her things, wait for things, & is rarely told the word “no”. Ive heard comments from mom that since she is the baby she does get what she wants when she wants it however she wants it because “she doesn’t understand yet”.

Now I know that kids at this age don’t have a full concept or understanding of sharing & waiting their turn, but DCG has multiple daily emotional breakdowns (these are beyond tantrums, she will walk around hyperventilating) when she is told no, has to wait her turn, or generally whenever she doesn’t get what she wants.

1 week before starting daycare she was still being given bottles on demand throughout the day, & for literally every ounce of liquid she had ever received, this includes water. I had mentioned in the interview that I don’t allow bottles to be had away from the table after they finish their lunch. Mom was on board & began trying to introduce a sippy cup but DCG wouldn’t budge & mom caved & was still giving her bottles at home (even with meals, her water/milk was still in a bottles. This DCG is having problems with chewing because she doesn’t know how to chew things, I’ve watched her eat & she eats her food as if she’s trying to drink from a bottle. I brought this to moms attention & she says they do still purée some of her food at home (still to this day) & feed it to her themselves. This means that she rarely ever eats while at daycare. Most of the time she won’t even try to eat & will sit there waiting for me to feed her myself. Had I had known this in the interview I would have chosen another family, but this is not something you even think to ask the family of an almost 2 year old if they’re able to eat solid food.

Something that is a constant occurrence is that when mom comes to the door for pick ups, DCG is in full blown tears, to the point of scream-crying in her face where mom can’t even speak because it’s that loud & nobody can hear anything that anyone is saying. I’m often not able to relay the afternoon to mom in person & have to message her after she leaves where I know she can read it. While DCG is doing this mom never (not once) puts her foot down & often asks her “do you want a bottle?” Or “do you want your blankie?” (She carries it everywhere with her at home & even when visiting family, basically everywhere but daycare she has this). If anybody else is picked up before her she is in hysterics because she was expecting it to be her mom. Other parents also have a hard time listening to me relaying their day over her crying. I never had a gate separating my main area from my foyer, but I had to put one in because DCG#1 would linger in the foyer crying while other children are being picked up.

I do have a really great group of kids & they don’t usually pick up on & start copying others behaviours, which has been a godsend up to this point, but over the last 2 weeks my other DCG has begun to mimic the same pick up behaviours during pick up time.

I’m usually full of tricks & strategies & ways to make transitions as easy as possible, but I’m in a real pickle about this one. Nothing I’ve tried is working & with mom not on board it’s proving ineffective. It’s even a real struggle to get her to walk on her own because she is carried quite often. I don’t want to give up on her because she is very sweet when she is doing ok, but at the same time I know she’s having a really hard time adjusting & I feel very bad for her that she just can’t emotionally cope with the vast differences from home & daycare.

One of my biggest objectives & philosophies is to assist parents in raising CONFIDENT little ones & to help parents teach their children basic life skills & in the very beginning mom seemed very thrilled to have her here to learn new things. 4 months in & she seems stuck in this “well this is just how she is” mentality. I have however taught her to say please, thank you, you’re welcome, excuse me, & some general manners.

Thank you making it to this point, lol. & at this point I will take any advice anyone has to offer.

[Busy ECE mommy]

In my opinion, 4 months is plenty of time for a child to adjust to routines/eating etc.
The whole sharing concept is still a work in progress even for kindergarten children lol
It’s so much easier when they start at 12 months, as they learn the routine and you set the tone for the expectations at daycare.
When I interview, I make sure that they can feed themselves regular table food( not purée) and
drink from a sippy cup. By 15 months, they are all proficient with a spoon, and by 18 months they are using a regular open cup to drink.
We go for regular walks, and by 18 months they all do a bit of stroller and a bit of walking on each trip. By 2 years my kids walk holding the side of the stroller handle, and even stop and check for cars before we cross the street.
I’m assuming this is an only child at home? It’s difficult when it sounds like there are no limits/consequences at home. You’re fighting a losing battle if the child gets whatever they want at home, and the parents are reinforcing developmentally inappropriate behaviours/skills at home.
I wonder what happens at the well baby visits for 18 and 24 months? Are they honest with the doctors about the feeding routines?
How is the child’s speech? Often a child who hasn’t developed strong oral motor skills(chewing/swallowing etc) may lag in speech as well.
I do developmental screenings on all my daycare kids and present it to the parents. Ultimately it’s up to the parents to relay any delays to the doctors, but some may sugar coat it.
It sounds like the child hasn’t been given the chance to develop the appropriate skills at home.
If you’ve tried your best, and the parents aren’t buying in to the suggestions, then it’s difficult to move forward.
We all want a good outcome, but ultimately look at how this child impacts the flow of routines, and affects the mood of the group. If the child is draining you or impacting the other kids, then it’s probably time to move on, and issue a termination notice.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t meet the needs of all children.
Make a choice that’s good for you and the other kids, and don’t feel bad about your choice.
Good luck!