First Date

[ebhappydc]

Hey guys, this isn't dc related sorry. but i haven't been able to sleep and i can't ask my friends cause small circle and kids know eachother and i don't want my daughter to get upset with me.
she was asked on a date by a boy in highschool this week and they're going out Wed nite to a movie she told me. my daughter is a late bloomer, basically, has never dated or been kissed. She'll be 17 soon so i know i have to let go, but i don't really know anything about boy, who is about a year older.
I'm a bit of a nervous parent (more than others in my circle and neighbours), but my question is, do i make them come in before they go so i can meet him?
Also, she told me his first name and i kinda searched her yearbook and there were a couple of possibilities, but i narrowed it down to one and then i creeped his face book.... do you think i'm way out of line? my daughter would be so upset that i'm looking into all this.
His fb is typical teen stuff, but he is a rather big tall guy (and yes gorgeous as my daughter said)... she's all wide eyed right now and in la-la land, and i just don't want anything to happen.... like going to park the car after the movie...
I can't sleep!!! she's a smart girl so i do trust her...i just don't know him at all.
Should i just chill?
thanks so much

[bright sparks]

I think he should be introducing himself to you prior to taking your daughter out. If you have never met him before and he is a year older than your daughter then this is what I would expect...in fact from anyone of any age. I would maybe try to be upfront with your daughter about this, explaining that before they go, you would like to meet this young man. I think that while she may be a little embarrassed, she will probably understand and be okay with it. Also, if this guy is any good, he won't have a problem with it either. As long as you have talked to your daughter about safety and precautions and she lets you know where she will be and what time she will be home, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Sounds like from what you have said that she is a smart girl anyway.

As for trying to find things out about him, don't do it to yourself. Nothing you find out good or bad will help this situation because how would you act after finding something out anyway? Your daughter would lose trust in you if you confronted her or him so I think the better thing to do is not sneak about but ask her and him outright the things you need to know for reassurance. I am a worry wart too, I get it, but this kind of thing just feeds our anxiety and the only way to conquer this is to not buy into the sneaking around at all. Just be glad she is a late bloomer and wasn't doing this earlier

High School in the UK starts at age 11 so this starts a lot earlier. My daughter is 14 and has little crushes, mainly on movie stars lol but no boyfriends yet and I constantly thank god she isn't doing her schooling in England because by now it would be all kinds of hairy! UK schools do not teach abstinence, so I'll let you fill in the blanks!!! 17 and never been kissed sounds wonderful to me now as a mother

[Suzie_Homemaker]

[QUOTE=ebhappydc;7686 7]

my question is, do i make them come in before they go so i can meet him?

No. Not if you want her to continue to confide in you regard boys. You have to show you trust her judgement and accept this is potentially going to become a relationship which is entirely hers. You will be invited in only to a level she comfortable sharing like any other couple just shares information they deem relevant. Don't risk her feeling like you prying or interfering because then she will be less open in future.

Also, she told me his first name and i kinda searched her yearbook and there were a couple of possibilities, but i narrowed it down to one and then i creeped his face book.... do you think i'm way out of line?

Yes - especially as you know she'd be upset. Again you have to trust her judgement, and respect it's not your relationship. If you don't, if it all ends with a little heartbreak, she'll hide it from you when she needs you most.

Should i just chill?

Yes. You said she is smart girl. Then trust her to use her common sense. You can't protect them from life experience but you can keep your trust with each other so she has you to talk to, if she need it.

[Fun&care]

I think that the fact she has stayed away from boys this long definitely is a huge win for you as her mom!

I think if you have the opportunity to meet than that's great but just go with the flow and see how it goes. I wouldn't stress too much about it.

One thing to consider- hubby and I have been together since we were 13/14. So treat him like he is "the one" because he just might be. You never know!

Not sure if you have talked about protection or the pill or whatever but now is probably a good time. It was my mothers biggest mistake (not talking about protection or sex at all...I guess she figured the school system would handle it). She even refused to put me on the pill because she thought it would make me more promiscuous. So I went to the health unit and put myself on it without her knowing. Guaranteed I would have been pregnant by 15 had I not put myself on it. Anyways it's a super personal decision but one worth thinking about!

[Lee-Bee]

If she is 17 she has some years of wisdom behind her (even if it's a first date) so she is a tad less likely to be coerced into something she isn't ready for.

Your best bet right now is to be open and share in her excitement. If you are standing over her with a gloomy outlook of all that can go wrong she will be more likely to withdrawal from you...especially if something happens that she is uncomfortable with. It is hard enough to go to someone for help, but if that person will have an "I told you so" position then it is even harder!

Help her plan her outfit, be excited with her and let her know you are there for her. If she asks for advice or voices concerns nervousness take her lead on where to bring the conversation but don't go so far and risk ending the communication.

She is 17, she is likely somewhat aware of risks, birth control and all that. I wouldn't cram it down her throat now. If for what ever reason this date doesn't lead to more THEN I would start talking, opening about birth control and all that so she has had that talk BEFORE she is about to go on a date...so it isn't a lecture but is just open conversation.

Right now...celebrate. Slip in some useful info when you can. I would lay off the facebook stalking etc. If there is a chance she can find out then it will shut down any communication which puts her at risk.

I advise you to invite your own friend over on her date night. You will need distraction so you don't sit staring at the clock in a panic!!!!

[bright sparks]

I advise you to invite your own friend over on her date night. You will need distraction so you don't sit staring at the clock in a panic!!!!

I think this is a great piece of advice I don't think there is anything wrong with asking to meet the guy if it's just taking an interest in your daughters life and you are close. It's not about being negative or giving him the fifth degree, but just a quick hello how are you in my book is common courtesy and showing your child that you are interested in their life without being overbearing.

[innisfildaycare]

Nothing is wrong with inviting him in, for maybe a glass of water before they head out. Personally, I dont have girls and my boys are fairly young still (11 and 8)...but NOTHING and NOONE will stop me from snooping, over re-acting and hiding behind bushes to watch over my boys!! LOL

[ebhappydc]

Thank you everyone, your advice has helped me a lot, and i'm calmer about it now. You've convinced me not to disguise myself and sit 2 rows back at the movie..... I don't know why i automatically think of all that could go wrong.... I definitely want to keep my great relationship with her so i'll be careful what i say and do. Teens are so sensitive i find; i will talk with her tonight and tell her how excited i am she's going on a date and how much i would like to meet this fellow before they go, without sounding desperate. I feel it's good for him to see that she has parents that care. These days friends text when they arrive in the driveway so i guess he wouldn't have to come to the door. I'll leave it up to them and not force it. Luckily it's a school nite, so most likely come home after movie.

I definitely will put my Sherlock Holmes magnify glass away because the guilt is getting me today. Although it was stuff he put on FB for public to see and not the personal stuff only his friends could get into... i saw enough and he looks decent (i know, can't judge a book...). i don't want to feed my anxiety anymore!

She is academically one of the top students at school, so i just hope her marks don't go in the toilet, especially when they're starting to count for university consideration..., but i guess that's up to her too.... i'm not used to seeing her face have this goofy dreamy smile on it .. lol..

If i can't get a friend to come over tomorrow nite, i'll make a date for myself with a small glass of wine whilst playing Frozen's "Let it go...."

man, it takes a village, doesn't it?

[ebhappydc]

Update:
He came to the door and introduced himself and shook my hand. He is drop dead gorgeous. Now I'm really worried. He must have other girls. Well, I said " have a good time" and off they went. Why am I giddy? No need for wine, I'm not nervous anymore. I'll bite my tongue off when she comes home so not to ask what happened. Hope she tells me tho, but I have to remember I'm not her girlfriend, she has plenty of those. I'm going to garden.

[Lee-Bee]

Do we get an update to your update??? How did it go after??